Friday, January 19, 2007

New Years Resolutions

I found it funny this year that everyone made all these New Years resolutions. I really enjoy hearing the different things people have to say around this topic, and if you like feel free to post your new years resolutions. My new years resolution this year is to "be a happier person". I know that sounds lame, but one eventually gets tired of being a cynic after awhile. If you see me being grumpy remind me of my resolution, and I'll punch you in the face, and then I'll appologize and immediately be in a better made. One could argue that I am happier because you reminded, or because I just got to punch another happy person in the face, either or does just fine for me. Here is a list of the top five funniest resolutions I heard this year.

1. "I am going to lost weight"

I think Larry the Cable guy said it best when he pledged to eat more and get fatter. I have made it a rule to not make false promises to myself either. I'm going to try and stray away from being a fatty, but I'm not making any promises. As long as MCdonalds keeps offering tasty treats at less than 5 bucks.. I'll be fat.

2. "I'm going to be a big deal"

What does that mean anyway?

3. "I am going to be nicer to my girlfriend"

If you're making a resolution like this, I'm sure it'll be easy to be nicer to her once she's gone. You can't abuse something that doesn't exist.

4. "I won't eat Mcdonalds once this year"

Refer to point #1.

5. "I'm going to stop killing hookers, fighting midgets, and no jumping off 10 story buildings"

I actually said this one, but I felt it was a valid one. As long as I stick to this, well then I've accomplished a goal this year. And really, isn't that the point of resolutions?

Tuesday, November 14, 2006

Being a musician...

Here is what I've recently discovered, and feel free to agree or disagree with my statements. I maintain that being a musician is actually counter-productive to finding women. Yeah I said it.. but hear me out before you accuse me of having a pity party.

It's true that if you play a show, girls will come talk to you, or even leer at you. There is something funny about the alure of a musician for girls. I'm not sure what it is, but you can be as ugly as say.. John Lennon, and you'll still get the girl.. but in case he chose to go with Yoko.. so that's a bad example. How about Gord Downie?

But my point is, that no quality girl will come after the musician. Don't get me wrong, every time I sing at least one girl will come and express interest, however it is never the type of girl that you want. For those of you that are musicians.. do you remember being up on stage and locking eyes with that beautiful brunette in the front row, or watching the blond in the back blush when you catch her eye? Why is it that when you go to find said girl after you're done that she ends up leaving with someone else, or worse yet, sends her annoying friend to come talk to you and figures "he seems like a wonderful guy, I bet he doesn't care about looks... or personality... or back hair". Here is the real explicit truth ladies. We want the brunette in the front row, or the blond in the back, we don't want your annoying friend that is single for a very obvious reason.

Myself personally, I find myself in a perpetual state of meeting seemingly wonderful girls, soon to find out that there is a reason they so quickly approaced you. She more than likely jumped at the opportunity to talk to you because she knows that she isn't the one you're approaching, and wants to at least get a date, or a coffee with you before you discover the reason that they so quickly approached you.

Call me bitter, call me jaded.. and yes those things may be true, but I speak the truth, and I defy anyone to disagree. Of course, I'm sure there will be many and I'll gladly listen to your opinions.. but the bottom line is, you're wrong. The good girls never fall for the "bad boy" anymore, which has made me think I should consider being an avid concert goer, and I'll sit in the back, watching who the musicians are locking eyes with, and laugh as the annoying girls approach him while I steal the girl in the front row...

Wednesday, November 01, 2006

I have a story to tell.. and it's about Impark

For those of you like me who have ever paid an Impark ticket in the past.. do not ever consider doing this again. This is the simple procedure to follow.

1. Wait until they send a letter.. and ignore it
2. Wait til the letter comes from the collections agency, and call them, tell them that you didn't receive the ticket and if they don't stop calling your house you will take them to court, because here are a few laws I was unaware of until today.
- you cannot call someone more than 3 times a day if you are a company
More importantly: you cannot call someone more than 3 times a week if you are a company.
which means.. they cannot legally call you enough to bother you, if they exceed that limit, threaten them with court action, and then they will take your name off the list. They did not call me that many times, but I said they did and they believe me.. because they do NOT have time to look up one claim when it's only a 30 dollar ticket.. they have thousands if not millions of outstanding tickets just waiting to be paid by people who don't know this is a scam. Yes they are a legitimate company, but they don't have any legal authority at all. In fact, in order to take any kind of action regarding towing your car, they have to get permission from the city your car was ticketed in, and again.. they will not bother, a rep from the company told me this himself on the phone today. Also, they do NOT HAVE THE ABILITY TO MAKE ANY ADJUSTMENTS TO YOUR CREDIT RATING. DO NOT LET THEM SCARE YOU. The rep from the collections company assured me today that they cannot make any adjustments to your rating, so disregard anything you get from Impark.

I called the Collections agency about this ticket that I apparantly had to pay today and when I asked to speak to the manager of the first agent, he told me to "fuck off" and he hung up on me. I immediately called back and got a different agent that then appologized for his colleagues actions and took my name off their list. He told me that any further action would have to be done by Impark, and that they will not bother me again as they do not care anymore beyond sending it to collections. He literally said "don't worry about them, they are one of our clients, but they won't call you again and we won't bother you again from our end".

Case closed.. Impark is a joke. I think I'm going to purposely park in their lot from now on and laugh my way into the guiness book of world records for oustanding parking tickets.. cause according to their own collections agency, they won't do anything about it anyway.

Tuesday, October 17, 2006

Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind

I am going to post this for two reasons.

#1 I think it may be "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind" might be the greatest movie I have ever seen. I just finished watching the movie moments ago and for some reason I felt compelled to write about it on my blog. If you have not seen this movie I think you should watch it as soon as you have the opportunity. If you have ever had your heart broken this movie will probably make you think more than any movie you've ever seen.

#2 I know that Lbomb hates this movie and I can't wait to hear his reaction to my opinion.

It's unbelieveable, and I'm not even going to talk about it, because that would spoil your chance to see it if you have not. Feel free to comment on whether or not you liked it.. I'm really interested to hear other people's opinions, cause I'm shocked that there are people out there who do not like this movie.

Friday, October 06, 2006

I can't even believe I'm going to say this....

Today Lbomb and I were watching some beach volleyball.. both lazily sitting on the couch arguing whether we should go to Arby's or Mcdonalds.. when we started flipping channels and low and behold... Gay Rodeo was on.

Now I must first say I don't have a problem with the gay community, but I have to ask a few important questions.

How many of you have seen the episode of King of the Hill when Dale's father comes to his second wedding.. and his dad is a gay rodeo competitor? Well in that episode they had an event which was seemingly fictious... it was called Goat Dressing. Goat dressing involves chasing down a goat and putting a pair of tighty whities on the poor animal, which might be the stupidest thing I've ever heard of.. but because it was on tv I thought it was likely just a way for the writers to casually make fun of the Gay community.

Not only is there actually a Gay Rodeo.. but there is ACTUALLY GOAT DRESSING!!!! I've never seen a more shameful thing in my entire life. Why is it that some people in the gay community decide they want to promote the stereotypes that society has set out for them? I know several gay people who are a normal, functioning part of society, and I'm not saying these people aren't functioning.. but what part of putting underwear on a goat seems like a good idea? Do you actually consider this a sport or do you all smoke a pound of crack and then think of new events? I have to say.. I know I'm going to be ridiculed by some for talking about the gay community, but I was discusted with what I saw on tv today.. I hope they outlaw this activity.. at least in Canada. Come on Steven Harper, you seem to be against this kind of thing.. DO SOMETHING

Friday, September 29, 2006

I'm back in the saddle again...

I'm not sure what's with the name.. but I would like to take the time to post about how ridiculous I think the Rolling Stones concert is turning out to be.

What is it about Saskatchewan that makes us lose our minds over every stupid thing? This week I've heard non-stop debates over whether or not Keith Richards should be allowed to smoke instead Mosaic stadium. First of all, don't even get me started on the fact that I now am supposed to call Taylor Field Mosaic Stadium.. that could be a whole other rant.

But truthfully... the dude is like.. what? 800 yrs old? He's smoked on stage his entire career and truthfully has been celebrated for it for a long time. I'm not sure I've ever even seen him in a photo without a cigarette hanging out of his mouth. He won't be bothering anyone by smoking, and they are OUTDOORS!!!! Did you hear me? That means all you tree-hugging hippies out there who say he is polluting Regina need to shut up. We have an incredible amount of crap going on in the city as it is.. and Keith Richards will likely improve the quality of air with his smoking.. at least we can pretend to breath it in. So in summation... let Old balls smoke on stage.. he'll likely die of Lung Cancer soon anyway, so let's not discourage stars from coming to our hick infested province.

Also may I say that I think the fact that bars are staying open until 4 while the stones are in town is about the stupidest thing they could do. Are you looking for a friggin brawl in every place in town? The dumbest thing is people are going to be oiut looking for those guys too.. and honestly.. I won't be one of them. Although I may just walk around town with a smoke in my mouth the whole weekend and wear tight leather pants.. perhaps girls will pay attention to me that way.. and if not, well at least I can claim that if the rules are bent for Mr. Richards.. then they should be for me.. cause well... I'm kind of a big deal

Saturday, September 09, 2006

this is still active

if anyone checks this blog in the next month I'll buy them a volve, or a sprint or something, post on here to let me know you have checked it and I'll make sure to buy you a happy meal. I noticed I'm not a link on lbombs blog anymore.. is this a change to the website or am I obsolete?

Sunday, March 19, 2006

Oh Saskatchewan....

The "Tim Horton's" Brier. Men's curling tournament. The greatest event to sweep our fair city since The Grey Cup. It's not that I have a problem with curling, it's just that.. our province is so redneck it scares me sometimes. Here are the top five reasons the Brier has annoyed me this week.


5. Tim Hortons as the major sponsor

I hate Tim Hortons. I like their coffee and what fat man doesn't like donuts, but this company is EVERYWHERE. I don't know how much they spend on corporate sponsorship a year, but it must be ridiculous. I know that they are a good company, but we just completely fall right into their trap. People around here talk about it like it's some sort of fad and it pisses me off. "Timmy Ho's", "Tim's", etc, etc, etc... shut up! Shut UP! SHUT UP! Their coffee is ok, it's not the coolest place to hang out in the world!... ok.. I'm calm now.

4. Farm Drivers

I decided I would wander over to watch a bit of curling, after all it is part of the cultural experience of living in this province and I had free tickets, so why not? Well.. I can tell you that I have never been more frustrated than when I was trying to leave this parking lot. Every Tom, Dick and Harry had driven in from the farm to take in the festivities and they all drove their 60,000 dollar trucks in too. The problem I have with this is two fold. 1. Quit complaining that you have no money. If you just drove a normal vehicle like the rest of the people in this province then maybe you could afford to eat something because Bread and Water. 2. GET OUT OF MY F*CKING WAY! THIS ISN'T THE FARM, SO YOU CAN'T DRIVE LIKE YOU'RE THE ONLY ONE ON THE ROAD. I SWEAR I WILL KILL THE NEXT PERSON I SEE DRIVING WITH FARM PLATES.

3. Gas Prices

If anyone ever says that saskatchewan sucks, they are partyly right in this statement. We do suck, and I'll tell you why. All we do is bitch and moan that no one wants to live here, but whenever somethign happens that actually brings some people into our fair province, we try to screw them over. I've seen it happen time and time again. Take our gas prices as exhibit A. They were 86.9 prior to the big curling event, and the moment that people starting driving into our city to take part in hick fest 2006, we hiked the prices up to 98.9. Those brand new trucks take an awful lot of money to fill up, and we just screwed whomever decided to come to watch the tournament. Same thing with Agribition (another hick enticing event) and anything else that goes on. Stop trying to screw over the rest of the world just because we need money, that's why we lose people. stupid government..

2. "Parti Gras"

Nothing makes me more sad than watching over the hill men and women pretend they are in their teens again. It happens all the time, people that are old enough to be our parents or heaven forbid.. our grandparents, take a time warp back to when they felt cool. Nothing perpetuates this condition more than the slogan "Parti Gras". This is just giving license to every moron to pretend they are young again, and though I don't think old people should behave as if they are dead, they also shouldn't take a week off work and spend their children's college funs on one last kick at the cat, namely a curling tournament!!!! That's how 50 year old mothers have one last child..

1. Old drunk chicks.

In keeping with my frustration toward the tournament slogan, there are so many old drunk chicks it makes me sick. I did happen to watch a couple draws of the tournament, and if my mom decided to make an alcohol induced comeback to partying, she would have fit right in with these ladies. Nothing screams, "I'm recently divorced and I'm happy" more than women with Mardi Gra painting on their faces and half full beer cups in their hands during a curling game. *Note- the half the cup actually ended up on their shirts or in their laps. I actually saw one older lady joking around that she was going to flash the curlers to see if she could get more beads. Before she had the chance to prove that she would do it, I threw up in my mouth and went to get a coke to get rid of the taste of vomit and disgust. Saskatchewan.. I do love you, but for people living outside the province to see this must really make them proud that they moved away when they were 19... ok I'm done now

Wednesday, February 22, 2006

Let me be the first...

Team Canada's Men's Hockey team sucked this year. There is no disputing that, and anyone who said "oh they had jet lag", or "They needed Niedermayer and Jovo" are wrong. Yes it would have helped to have those guys, and maybe Crosby, Staal, or Spezza could have been better than some of our players, but the bottom line is: those guys are good enough to get a goal, and in three of the games they played in, they coudln't even do that. Here are my top five reasons why Canada lost.

5. Pat Quinn is fat

Although this man coaches my beloved Maple Leafs, he obviously had his head up his ass all tournament. Why would you ever put Joe Sakic and Jarome Iginla on a line with Kris Draper? Why did Kris Draper see ice time other than penalty killing? Why did Brad Richards play more defense than Wade Redden? Quinn, I used to love you, but I think you have obviously gone insane, perhaps you're just tired of laying off the Mcdonalds.

4. Blake/Pronger Combo

Olympic Hockey is not the same as the NHL. The ice surface is huge and it requires a lot more speed than size. So again it comes back to Quinn when I ask, "why the hell would you have your two big slow defensemen (minus Foote of course), on the same line? I don't get it, it's like you tried to think of ways for us to lose. I will spare harping on these two guys right now because I will save that for later.

3. Juggling the lines

Notice a trend here? Everything goes back to Pat Quinn being a moron, I figure this is likely what the conversation went like before the olympics started.

Quinn: I'm going to juggle the lines as much as possible so the guys never get a chance to learn how to play together
Gretzky: What? eat your mcdonalds Quinn, I can't hear my lawyer on the phone
Quinn: I also think I'm going give Draper more playing time than Thorton and Nash combined
Gretzky: Do whatever you want, I have to get my wife out of trouble here...

2. Lemieux/Yzerman/Spezza/Staal/Crosby/McCabe/Phaneuf, etc...

I am so sick of people questioning everything that Hockey Canada does. That said, let me be the first to say that I thought Kris Draper being named to the team was a stupid idea. HOWEVER, who the hell am I to question Wayne Gretzky on who he thinks will make us the best team. Dude won a ton of cups, and was the greatest hockey player of all time, better than Lemieux, better than Orr, and yes.... I know this may bug you, but he's better than Crosby ever will be. Canada has enough talent to make two teams that could potentially medal in the tournament, and though we didn't do dick all this time around, it wasn't gretzky's fault. He picked a team that should have walked over most of the teams they played and the bottom line is they didn't.. save your criticism of Gretzky for his cracked out, moron wife.

1. Chris Pronger

The hope of our team in the absence of Scott Niedermayer was probably the reason we lost. I don't think I saw this big, stupid excuse for a hockey player make one pass that hit the tape, nor can I say that I saw him spend as much time trying to stop the opposing players as he did looking into Quinn's big puppy eyes. I understand that Pronger played with a cracked foot, and for that I admire him, however, it comes back to Quinn once more. If he is playing that pathetically bad, then why in the name of all that is holy was he getting more playing time than anyone else on the team. That pathetic moron spent more time in the penalty box than anywhere else and probably still managed to lead the team in minutes played. What a terrible tournament, I'm gonna go watch Women's figure skating or something...

Thursday, February 09, 2006

Valentines Day blows

I want to hear a shout out from everyone who hates this stupid excuse for a holiday. Seriously, if you read this blog, you need to post so that I know I'm not the only one who hates it.

5. Crappy songs on the radio

I don't often listen to the radio, but since my cd player...er.. I mean tape deck... er.. I mean 8 track doesn't work anymore, I've been forced to listen to the radio lately. And even though it's not valentines day, there are a ton of ads for it already, and even worse is they keep playing depressing crappy songs. Even bands like the Backstreet boys are getting air time... I hate today..

4. Gifts

The only reason I'm glad that I'm single on valentines day is that I don't have to go out and stress about buying that "perfect gift". Listen guys, no matter what you do your girlfriend is going to be annoyed with what you get her. It might be "too cliche'", or you "spent too much money", or "that engagement ring should have been given to me on a day that wasn't already valentines day, are you trying to get out of celebrating our love an extra day a year!!! What is the matter with you, you are so insensitive, I'm ONLY GOING TO GET TO DO THIS ONCE IN MY LIFE AND YOU GO AND DO SOMETHING AS STUPID AS...... (insert random angry girl comment here)

3. Mushy couples

It's bad enough that those of us who are single have to be reminded of this by the commercialism of this holiday, but now we have to walk around watching everyone who is in a relationship, instantly fall in love, even if they met each other more than five minutes ago. If I see one more couple smush their nose together, or stare into each others eyes, I'm going to vomit... on their faces....

2. The Flower shop

Guys have you ever tried to find flowers on valentines day? It seems that every guy (no just the ones who have forgotten, or couldn't tear themselves away from sportscenter until the last minute) is in the flower shop at the last possible minute. I remember the last time it was valentines day, and I didn't think it was a big deal because I had only been seeing the girl for a few weeks... turns out it was a big deal. So I rushed to the only place that was still open at 7pm.... yep... Shoppers Drug Mart. There had to be at least 50 guys in there fighting over cards, chocolates.... fake flowers, whatever. It was amazing, I wanted to stand back and watch, but instead I ended up arguing with a fat guy over a box of 20 dollar chocolates (marked up from 99 cents).

1. Happiness

Call me a cynic, call me a jerk, call me whatever you want. But if you're happily married, happily in a relationship... happy in general... then I hate you. I hate you and all that stands for happiness in this world. Let the flood of angry comments begin..