Tuesday, December 27, 2005

Small towns suck

I hate my home town. I've been here for two days and already I want to jab a fork in my eye so I can focus on something other than how much this place blows. For your viewing pleasure.....

5. Ok, we have a town of about 10,000, and recently someone decided to start a Boston Pizza here (which I said would have been a goldmine like 6 years ago). Anyway, I don't mind that we are getting a BP's, in fact I think it's great. The thing that annoys me is that it serves as a reminder for just how hickish we really are. All I've heard since I've been home is "hey did you see we're getting a boston pizza... ddderrrr...I can't wait to get some grub in that place. I hear they even have a b..b..bar like the cities do". Seriously people around here have never been so excited, and even worse, I've heard of people quitting their jobs and going to work there because they figure the tips will be better. News flash: The same cheap assholes still live here, going to BP's with their higher prices isn't going to make them give you a bigger tip.

4. So for boxing day, every year my home town has a big cabaret that anyone who's anyone (ie. everyone in town because they're all alcoholics) are at. I decide that I'm going to stroll down there and say hi to some old high school friends that came home for Christmas, and I get to the door and they won't let me in. Apparantly you had to buy tickets beforehand, only there is no advertizing for this event, just everyone knows. Well being that I haven't been talking about the cabaret with everyone for the last two months, I dind't know this fact. This one guy who is working the door leans over to me and says "well for you hendy... come back in about an hour and I'll try and sneak you in the back, just between you and me buddy." Wow... like I'm going to come back here after that...

3. Gossiping- I may have mentioned this before, but I hate small town gossip. Seriously, I had a ton of people come up and ask me about everything that has been happening in my life for the last few months. Somehow people still find out about what's going on in my life, and they talk about it long after I'm gone. Dont' get me wrong, I'm not some sort of celebrity or anything, but they do that with everyone. I actually walked away from one guy yesterday because he asked me about when I got sick in November. I looked at him and told him to get a life... and then I knocked him out... and peed on him.

2. Small town whores- you know these girls? Every weekend they drive around in their ugly Chevy Cavalier, smoking their cigarettes and dressing like whores. NEWS FLASH- This isn't the city, when you go the bar tonight don't be dissappointed when the only men in there (AGAIN) are your dad and your brother, and I don't think your brother is going to be drunk enough to take you home again. Man... I can't stand drunk home town whores.

1. Bored out of my skull- Yes I know we used to somehow find fun when we were kids, but stealing street signs, getting drunk and yelling at people (with your dad) and sitting in the local shop having coffee are no longer fun. I dont' know what changed (perhaps I matured a bit), but none of these things are appealing any more. Somehow I feel a little better about myself sitting in the Smitty's in Regina than in the coffee shops at home. Maybe it's because the food doesn't have flies in it, and the waiteress isn't a former classmate who got pregnant in high school, but I feel better being gone. That said.. I do love this little old town, and once in awhile it's nice to come home and see people, but mark my words, I will never live here again.

Friday, December 23, 2005

Top 5 reasons why I hate Christmas

I am not a scrooge or anything like that, however there are several things about Christmas that I cannot stand and I'm sure once you read my list your love for Christmas may go down a bit.... here it is.

5. Christmas Carols- You know how the first few times you hear carols it makes you happy? Well for me and I know for a lot of other people I think to myself "If I hear We wish you a merry Christmas one more time, I'm going to stand on the roof of a Canadian tire and pick off anyone who's smiling". Just a thought. Think about it... you hate carols too.

4. Christmas shopping- ok I know that part of this is my fault, but I'm a busy guy.. what with eating and sitting on the couch playing video games taking so much of my time. Seriously though, women you need to relax. Nobody cares if they dont' get that pair of long johns in their stocking, so don't hit me in the back of the knees with your shopping cart. Kindly ask me to step aside and I'll back hand you, we'll save the argument process.

3. Typical crappy christmas gifts- You know those products that seemingly only come out during christmas time? (ie. little jewelry chests, and carol singing dogs) Well don't buy those! The reason that no one wants them during the year is because they suck! We already hear "We wish you a merry christmas" enough, we dont' need to hear some stupid dog sing it for the next month (or whenever you leave so I can stuff it in the trash can). The worst part being that there is always a little kid who is just pumped about pushing this thing over and over again until you reach the point where you dont' know whether you want to hit the kid or the animal..... come on you know you hate those things too..

2. People asking for money- Somehow every year people think the best time to ask otehrs for money is during the biggest money spending season of the year. Don't get me wrong, I do care about those that are less fortunate than I am, but why not hit me up for cash during march? I avoid malls because I know that annoying old man with the salvation army bells is going to be standing there eyeing up my wallet and telling himself that I'm going to hell because I passed him buy. You go to hell! You're the one shaking that damn bell for 24 hours straight!

1. I hate everyone who is happy- Bold statement? Of course it is, and some of you are probably thinking that I've turned green and plan on ruining everyone's Christmas this year. It's not that I don't like happiness, it's just that Christmas
seems to be a kick in the face to all of us who aren't happily married, or in love or whatever. You constantly see commericials of people who are happy, and walk around and see people happy. I know I sound bitter, but there have to be a few people out there who agree with me.... or am I truly the scrooge of Christmas? I guess we'll see...

I do want to say on a serious note, that the thing I love about Christmas is that it celebrates my savior's birth, and fortunately for me, that can overshadow everything else mentioned above. If it weren't for Jesus I probably would be sitting on top of Canadian Tire with a pistol waiting for someone to smile

Sunday, December 11, 2005

What am I Dr.Phil?

Now that my internship is over I pledge to write in here a little more. It's doubtful that anyone is still reading this but whatever. Anyways..

I'm confused. For anyone who knows me I've had a lot of weird experiences with girls, and as I'm sure you're aware nothing has ever really worked out the way it was planned. I have been nearly married, I've been cheated on, etc, etc. and basically it all boils down to this. I may have experience, but I don't know ANYTHING. If I knew about relationships and the way girls think then I'd likely be dating someone, or have something on the horizon. I couldn't be any more single and I'm shocked that people still haven't realized that about me. Today alone I had four people come to me for relationship advice. Isn't there someone else in your life that knows something about relationships? Seriously if you're coming to me then you're basically asking to get kicked in the junk and are destined for lonely nights listening to Dashboard, strumming and guitar and crying quietly by candle light.... errr.. I mean, lots of great outings with the boys... I mean... oh no.... I'm an idiot again