Wednesday, February 22, 2006

Let me be the first...

Team Canada's Men's Hockey team sucked this year. There is no disputing that, and anyone who said "oh they had jet lag", or "They needed Niedermayer and Jovo" are wrong. Yes it would have helped to have those guys, and maybe Crosby, Staal, or Spezza could have been better than some of our players, but the bottom line is: those guys are good enough to get a goal, and in three of the games they played in, they coudln't even do that. Here are my top five reasons why Canada lost.

5. Pat Quinn is fat

Although this man coaches my beloved Maple Leafs, he obviously had his head up his ass all tournament. Why would you ever put Joe Sakic and Jarome Iginla on a line with Kris Draper? Why did Kris Draper see ice time other than penalty killing? Why did Brad Richards play more defense than Wade Redden? Quinn, I used to love you, but I think you have obviously gone insane, perhaps you're just tired of laying off the Mcdonalds.

4. Blake/Pronger Combo

Olympic Hockey is not the same as the NHL. The ice surface is huge and it requires a lot more speed than size. So again it comes back to Quinn when I ask, "why the hell would you have your two big slow defensemen (minus Foote of course), on the same line? I don't get it, it's like you tried to think of ways for us to lose. I will spare harping on these two guys right now because I will save that for later.

3. Juggling the lines

Notice a trend here? Everything goes back to Pat Quinn being a moron, I figure this is likely what the conversation went like before the olympics started.

Quinn: I'm going to juggle the lines as much as possible so the guys never get a chance to learn how to play together
Gretzky: What? eat your mcdonalds Quinn, I can't hear my lawyer on the phone
Quinn: I also think I'm going give Draper more playing time than Thorton and Nash combined
Gretzky: Do whatever you want, I have to get my wife out of trouble here...

2. Lemieux/Yzerman/Spezza/Staal/Crosby/McCabe/Phaneuf, etc...

I am so sick of people questioning everything that Hockey Canada does. That said, let me be the first to say that I thought Kris Draper being named to the team was a stupid idea. HOWEVER, who the hell am I to question Wayne Gretzky on who he thinks will make us the best team. Dude won a ton of cups, and was the greatest hockey player of all time, better than Lemieux, better than Orr, and yes.... I know this may bug you, but he's better than Crosby ever will be. Canada has enough talent to make two teams that could potentially medal in the tournament, and though we didn't do dick all this time around, it wasn't gretzky's fault. He picked a team that should have walked over most of the teams they played and the bottom line is they didn't.. save your criticism of Gretzky for his cracked out, moron wife.

1. Chris Pronger

The hope of our team in the absence of Scott Niedermayer was probably the reason we lost. I don't think I saw this big, stupid excuse for a hockey player make one pass that hit the tape, nor can I say that I saw him spend as much time trying to stop the opposing players as he did looking into Quinn's big puppy eyes. I understand that Pronger played with a cracked foot, and for that I admire him, however, it comes back to Quinn once more. If he is playing that pathetically bad, then why in the name of all that is holy was he getting more playing time than anyone else on the team. That pathetic moron spent more time in the penalty box than anywhere else and probably still managed to lead the team in minutes played. What a terrible tournament, I'm gonna go watch Women's figure skating or something...

Thursday, February 09, 2006

Valentines Day blows

I want to hear a shout out from everyone who hates this stupid excuse for a holiday. Seriously, if you read this blog, you need to post so that I know I'm not the only one who hates it.

5. Crappy songs on the radio

I don't often listen to the radio, but since my cd player...er.. I mean tape deck... er.. I mean 8 track doesn't work anymore, I've been forced to listen to the radio lately. And even though it's not valentines day, there are a ton of ads for it already, and even worse is they keep playing depressing crappy songs. Even bands like the Backstreet boys are getting air time... I hate today..

4. Gifts

The only reason I'm glad that I'm single on valentines day is that I don't have to go out and stress about buying that "perfect gift". Listen guys, no matter what you do your girlfriend is going to be annoyed with what you get her. It might be "too cliche'", or you "spent too much money", or "that engagement ring should have been given to me on a day that wasn't already valentines day, are you trying to get out of celebrating our love an extra day a year!!! What is the matter with you, you are so insensitive, I'm ONLY GOING TO GET TO DO THIS ONCE IN MY LIFE AND YOU GO AND DO SOMETHING AS STUPID AS...... (insert random angry girl comment here)

3. Mushy couples

It's bad enough that those of us who are single have to be reminded of this by the commercialism of this holiday, but now we have to walk around watching everyone who is in a relationship, instantly fall in love, even if they met each other more than five minutes ago. If I see one more couple smush their nose together, or stare into each others eyes, I'm going to vomit... on their faces....

2. The Flower shop

Guys have you ever tried to find flowers on valentines day? It seems that every guy (no just the ones who have forgotten, or couldn't tear themselves away from sportscenter until the last minute) is in the flower shop at the last possible minute. I remember the last time it was valentines day, and I didn't think it was a big deal because I had only been seeing the girl for a few weeks... turns out it was a big deal. So I rushed to the only place that was still open at 7pm.... yep... Shoppers Drug Mart. There had to be at least 50 guys in there fighting over cards, chocolates.... fake flowers, whatever. It was amazing, I wanted to stand back and watch, but instead I ended up arguing with a fat guy over a box of 20 dollar chocolates (marked up from 99 cents).

1. Happiness

Call me a cynic, call me a jerk, call me whatever you want. But if you're happily married, happily in a relationship... happy in general... then I hate you. I hate you and all that stands for happiness in this world. Let the flood of angry comments begin..

Thursday, February 02, 2006

Rant

This is not intended to be funny... this is me pissed off, so if you're looking for entertainment this time, well you're in the wrong place.

So... I hate relationships.. and I'm really starting to hate women altogether. I used to date a girl for a long time, and whatever, I'll spare you the details. But as a bi-product of that ended relationship, I'm not really welcome in our old circle of friends. In fact, my best friend in high school is getting married the day after my birthday, and he is marrying a person who is close to my ex... and it was decided that I might be a distraction to the ceremony, so I'm not invited. To my best buddy's wedding.. I'm not invited.. AWESOME!

Also, I got jerked around by a girl for the last couple weeks. I really fell for this one, but it turns out she has a boyfriend. Whatever, she's still a nice person and all, but in light of this other situation and countless others recently (i'll spare you the details), I'm now bitter and jaded at the entire female population. I think I'm gonna move to some foreign country and read for the next ten years, and if a girl comes up to me I'll just urinate in my pants and hopefully that will scare her away... knowing my luck I'll meet the only sick freak that actually likes that...